30 Life lessons before my 30s
This weeks podcast is a bit different. I know you’re usually used to a conversation between me and someone else or even a group of people, chatting about something or another, but you know me, I like to spice things up. So this week, I thought I’d take a break from the usual routine of that to bring you content that’s a little different. It’s a list. A list made at 3am – you know, one of those nights where you get philosophical and start thinking about life and what it means. So I present to you, my 30 lessons I have learnt from my 30 years of being alive. And I hope sincerely these helps you. Worth noting, these are not in any particular order.
1. Know and respect boundaries. – I know boundaries is an overused term now days. Everyone and their mum is talking about boundaries, and respecting them but it’s so important to. It is essential to have personal boundaries in order to have healthy relationships. Personal Boundaries are important because they set the basic guidelines of how you want to be treated. Often I found myself especially in my earlier years breaking my boundaries to accommodate others, and try and fit in, but it’s just not worth it. So know your boundaries, respect them and more importantly stick to them!
2. Be the garden. This comes from the idea of the fact that we tend and nurture our gardens. We water it, we plant some seeds, we take care of it. And often, we do that for other people but not enough for ourselves. So today I want you to have the courage to choose yourself, over and over again. The courage to move forward not backward, choose growth over comfort, possibility over the past. If flowers were the aspects of you that make up the garden that is you, know that each and every flower, even the wilted squished ones, are worthy of love, of everything you have ever wanted even if an unkind heart once led you to believe otherwise. Each and every one of those flowers that make up you deserves love, care and deserves to be chosen not just today but everyday. That leads nicely to
3. Prioritise your mental health and growth. And if you’re stuck, list what you would need for a perfect day - for me it’s one act of detoxing, connecting with people, and one thing I’ve created. And on this point, mind and body work together often times. So - When I was feeling upset or stressed, the simple act of going for a walk would take a lot of effort, but was the first best step I could take at the time, before I could dig deeper into what was going wrong. Similarly, I think it’s impossible to achieve good mental health if you’re not getting enough sleep, not drinking enough water, not eating properly. So whatever it is that means that you get to fulfill your criteria – the criteria of what would make each and every day fantastic, find it, and do it. And whilst you’re doing that…
4. Grow everyday - look for ways to continually grow, invest in you. The essence of this life lesson — developing a growth mindset — for me means this: Hard work trumps talent every day of the week. The growth-minded swimmer who works hard, day in and day out, will surmount his naturally talented opponents’ people because he [practiced. People that constantly complain, blame, and refuse to take responsibility for their lives do not have a growth mindset. Growth-oriented people don’t allow their failures to define their identity; they learn from them and come back stronger as a result. If you want to develop a growth mindset, focus only on that which is within your control. Let go of everything else.
5. Be bougee. So Bougee is hip-hop slang for something "luxurious in lifestyle yet humble in character,” and whilst this is a bit Controversial I genuinely think it’s important. The older I got the more I realised it is just so important to treat yourself to the right things. Really simple but small things like - Ironing bedsheets, light a candle just because, the better brand or softer toilet roll that costs a little more. At some point you have got to get out of the “student” mindset and live like an adult. This extends from just things though – it’s a mindset not a materialistic thing. For example, being bougee is tidying your flat immaculately not coz guests are coming because YOU live there. It’s allowing yourself to have the best things in life, because quite frankly you should be the most important person in your life for the simple reason you are the only one that is there with you from beginning till the end.
6. No day is insignificant. Ever had that thought of not wanting to wear a specific outfit, or put as much effort on because no one will see you? Or the frustration of wasting good outfit on insignificant day? Well here’s a newsflash. No day is insignificant. Want to know why? Coz YOU are seeing yourself, YOU have to interact with yourself, and you owe it to yourself to be treated in the best way possible. So, Get dressed every morning, put on that power outfit and go rock that world.
7. Make the chilli – So this is based on a story I heard. The story goes of two friends, that were walking. Person A was complaining about how her husband wanted her to make chilli, but she was so tired, and how I know it’s a special celebration but why couldn’t she have chosen a easier meal. Person B, who had recently lost her husband whispers, Make the chilli. Because you don’t know if you’ll get a chance to again. And that story has always stuck with me, because you know what, life is too damn short. Once when I was involved in a car accident, you know what I was thinking about? Not the amount of clothes I had, not how much money I had or any other thing I thought I would be. It was the impact I had on the people closest to me, and how I didn’t do enough. So take this as your cue to start going out of your way to do small acts of kindness for people you love, because those are the memories you will cherish.
8. Express your emotions. I’m no longer afraid to let myself cry and You shouldn’t be either. It’s okay to let yourself feel your feelings, rather than pretend like they don’t exist. It doesn’t make you any weaker, or a worse person. In fact It’s possible to let life’s moments touch you and it not mean you are somehow a bad person. The thing is, healing is messy. You will have both good and bad days – or even moments that mix the two. One moment you can be living your best life and the next wondering what you could have done differently to change an outcome. Moments you think you’re totally over the heartbreak and moments it hits you again. Moments where you’ll be overwhelmed with joy and happiness and moments where you are just being. Through it, remember you are human. It’s normal to feel, to break down, smile, laugh and cry. It’s also important to express your emotions because if you keep it bottled up, it will just find another way to come out. Look, tears are proof that emotions become physical. Imagine what stuck emotions can do to your body when they have spent years being trapped without release or properly transmuted.
9. Own your truth and your emotions. All of them. Life is hard enough without you making it harder unnecessarily. Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how bad your situation is you should always retain a positive mindset. A sort of good vibes only mindset. It’s when you go through a bad thing like losing your job or a death, and people tell you to “look on the bright side” or “well it could have been worse”. But the thing is, toxic positivity rejects difficult emotions in favour of an over the top false façade of optimism, which in turn fails to recognise that forced optimism and refusal to acknowledge negative emotions doesn’t magically make them go away. In fact it encourages an oversimplification of the complex human mind. Its okay to not be okay. On the topic of this though…
10. Everything happens for a reason. I know…. Hypocritical you might say, especially when I was talking about toxic positivity a bit earlier. But hear me out. You might not know it yet, but you will 100% look back on the you, you are today – to all the heartbreak, the stumbles, the falls, the memories and the joys and it will just click. You’ll realise you had to go through that. You had to break, crash into rock bottom so you can learn about yourself, learn how to get back up and learn that you got this. You’ll learn there is strength in the pieces, courage in the pain and so much self discovery in the plans that don’t make it. So be okay with being where you are now – take this stumble to get your footing.
11. Hire that graduation gown – This one is a little more personal. So university graduation, as you know, everyone is given the choice right, where you can either hire that graduation gown for just the ceremony, or you can hire it for a whole day. I opted for hiring just for the ceremony, but I watched people go take pictures with it, and make memories. I cannot tell you how much I wish I hired it for the day – and it all comes down to the theory of savouring the small moments which aren’t so small in long run.
12. Take control - take responsibility over everything that happens in your life. Stop complaining about why things are rubbish, stop blaming others. When things go wrong, I no longer look for people to blame; I look for what I can do to make things right. Taking responsibility is not about always taking blame, it’s about always taking initiative. Stop complaining. Stop making excuses. Take responsibility.
13. Manage your energy not time. Listen, sometimes it’s your energy you need to protect, not just your time. We get into the mindset of managing our time, making sure we schedule everything in, utilise time as much as possible, but actually it’s our energies we should protect. A half hour conversation with a loved one takes the smallest amount of time, but if you’re not fully present in that conversation you won’t be refreshed from it and you won’t have gained as much from that as you could have done.
14. Know jobs or things that will help in long term goal. For example going to the gym, working out regularly is bloody hard. But it means that you get a longer term reward, you’re healthier, and that is more worth than the laziness of just the now.
15. Work hard. There’s an old Chinese proverb that says, “He who sweats more in training, bleeds less in war.“ This means that we must put in the work before we can reap the reward. Most people want the opposite — they want the benefits of having worked hard without lifting a finger… But that’s not how life works, is it? Success requires investment. Work hard on yourself. Work hard on your business or career. And invest as much in your family as you do in your work.
16. Journal – I had a diary since I was 10/11. What started out as a teenage angst of life is just so hard because Susie took the last red pen, turned out to be soul food of journaling thoughts, feelings and a way of coping with stress. And I cannot tell you how amazing it is to look back on it every now and again, reread entries and remind yourself of how far you have come. Honestly, things that have seemed so small, days that felt like crap, I’ve read back on, and thought ‘ Wow. I’ve grown so much, I’ve come so far and achieved so much.’ I’ve overcome so much.
17. Find your pull - You can only “push yourself” for so long before your body, mind, and spirit toss their hands in the air and say, “F-this, I’m out.” When you keeping pushing yourself to do something, it feels like something you have to do. But when you’re pulled by something, it feels like something you get to do. Me? I’m pulled by my obsession with learning about people, impacting lives, and creating change— and giving a platform for all the voices that were ever suppressed . This is one of the things in life that juices me up and gives me purpose.
18. Be pessimistic so you can be optimistic - Becoming a short-term pessimist AND a long-term optimist means you understand that most of what you try (over the short-term) will not work… But that’s okay, because eventually (over the long-term) you’ll find something that does.
19. Read - books are my hardback drug of choice. It’s escapism, it’s soul food but it’s also knowledge it’s power and it’s mind expanding. Books hold a lot of unlocked potential in the form of knowledge because they’re full of wise insights that would’ve otherwise been overlooked. Never belittle the power of a good book. It’s basically a one-sided exchange of wisdom and knowledge, and sometimes that can be the very thing that you need to change your outlook on life. Which leads me onto
20. Smell the new pages of a book - be authentically yourself and embrace your quirks. Pretending to be perfect doesn’t make us perfect. I am not perfect, and I never will be. I make mistakes and bad decisions, and I fail at times. I stumble, I fall. I am human—a mixed bag, nuanced, the darkness and the light—as are you. And you are beautiful. So Be perfectly imperfect. Be authentically you, so if you want to smell the pages of a new book, you go do that.
21. You’re already ready - Imagine you’re driving your car on a quiet motorway in the middle of a hazy and foggy night. You can barely see 10 feet ahead of you, but you continue driving at 40mph. Maybe you let up the accelerator a bit when it gets way too hard to see what’s ahead of you, but you’re still driving at a steady pace towards your destination. Why not take this strategy and apply it to the rest of your life? You might not have all the tools you need right now, but you’ve probably got enough to get started, right? Start now, regardless of whether you’re ready or not; regardless of whether you have all the high-tech gadgets or not. The key to dealing with the fear of failure is knowing that you’re already ready. When you’re stuck on a problem, don’t just sit there, do something. It’s OK if you’re afraid (we’re all afraid.) Just don’t wait for perfect moment.
22. Figure it out now. – You know what I hate? When people drop the Oh, you’re so young, you’ve got plenty of time to figure it all out…” NO. Anytime you slip into that mode of thinking - the yolo lifestyle in your 20s and figure things out in your 30s - slap yourself. remind yourself that you’re going to die one day. Your 30s aren’t the time to “figure it all out.” Now is the time to figure it out. And the longer you wait, the less time you have. Saying that though –
23. No one grows up. When I was a kid, I’d look at adults and think, “Gosh, once I grow up, I’ll have everything figured out just like they do.” But then I grew up. And you know what I realized? I missed the memo of adulting. Here’s the secret - No one’s got anything figured out. No one actually ever grows up. People just pretend to grow up. They pretend to know what they’re doing. They pretend to have it all figured out. But they’re just as lost as you and me. The life lesson is this: Don’t worry about “growing up” and figuring it all out, because no one ever truly does. Instead, maintain your child-like playfulness and curiosity throughout your entire life… You’ll learn a lot more and enjoy yourself a lot more because of it. it’s a journey. It’ll evolve. It’ll change. You’ll change. And that’s ok.
24. Be happy, genuinely for people. There’s no such thing as healthy competition. Competition breeds jealousy, hatred, and desperation. I know it’s hard to get away from it in our rank-based society–I feel my competitive juices bubbling up just like anyone else. But this doesn’t change the truth: competition is destructive. The only time competition is a good thing is when we’re competing against ourselves. So stop comparing yourself to that model looking body on Instagram, to that friend who you went to school with. We are all on our own journey, and the more you compare the unhappier you will be. So be happy, choose happiness coz their success is NO WAY takes away from you and your journey.
25. Don’t be resilient be (anti fragile?) When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I say one step further If you’re a fragile person and something bad happens, you break and stay broken. If you’re resilient and something bad happens, you figure out a way to bounce back. you’re antifragile and something bad happens, you don’t just bounce back—you become even better than before
26. Be a butterfly. We are continuing on the world of cliches today, but this one is basically – be willing to evolve, adapt and metamorphize. A caterpillar doesn’t sit and wallow in adversity, it takes some time, regroups itself, allows itself to adapt to the change and comes out as a beautiful butterfly. If you’re constantly stuck in the past, beating yourself up, you won’t allow yourself the grace of moving forward and being the best version of you.
27. Relationships matter. Every relationship—friendship, romantic, or otherwise—is a series of gives and takes. Every relationship has an Us box. For the relationship to work, both people must contribute to—and get something from—that Us box. If you just give but don’t get, you’ll feel used, exploited, taken advantage of; if you only take but don’t give, you’re a parasite, a freeloader, a bottom-feeder. Cut out the toxic. Behaviours habits, people.
28. Be the heroine in your own story not the footnote. Live life on your own terms. You are the main character of your own life, you are quite literally the star of your life, why would you spend it pretending to be a side character? Take ownership of your life, of what you want to do with it, and be aggressively protective of that.
29. Happiness is not for sale. It’s not going to be found in the expensive bag, or the next pair of shoes, it’ll be in the memories, with loved ones. It’ll be in that paper origami your crush made for you during a work meeting. Stop looking for it in the shelves and magazines and start finding it in yourself, in the small graces in nature and acts of kindness. And finally, number
30. Be on the mountain. I use this term as a metaphor for living in the moment. But let me elaborate. Imagine you are hiking, you plan your route, you go right to the top. You work so hard to get to the peak, you can see it, you’ve worked so hard. And finally you reach it. Beautiful skies, greatest view. What’s the first thing you do? When you climb to the peak, you don’t immediately plan your descent. You Enjoy the view. The thing about time is that it will pass, whether you want to or not. So it becomes about how you spend your time. Will you fantasise about the what is and the what could have been or will you look at the life you have right now in the eye, and make it the best you ever have? Will you mourn the days and people that have gone or cherish the ones you stuck by? Will you spend the days continuing to fall down the dark tunnel of self loathing or will you admire your soul for it’s richness and it's beauty? For its ability to be kind and beautiful? Will you let yourself go, let yourself down, or will you hold your own hand and treat yourself like someone who are responsible for helping? So you see, time will pass regardless, but instead of worrying, be the mountain with all it’s ups, it’s challenges and it’s beauty. Just be.
So, that’s it. Thank you for listening this far on a podcast that’s different to the usual. That’s 30 of the life lessons I go by but of course there are a load more. Message me to let me know if any of those resonated with you and conversely, which you agree or disagree with! Drop me a message on Instagram with your thought, handle is @boldbrownandbritish.